The Child We Never Knew

For those of you who don't already know, we lost our baby on Tuesday. Monica woke up in extreme pain, and things just got worse from there. They thought she'd had a miscarriage last week, but when she had an ultrasound to confirm it, we were surprised and delighted to find that our baby was still alive and kicking. Not so yesterday. There's no way that tiny little life could have survived that.

Monica was 9 weeks pregnant, and in a couple more weeks we would have been able to find out whether we were going to have a boy or a girl. Monica and I thought it would be a girl, even though her sister, Kate, was set on it being a boy. We'll never know now, and all we have is speculation.

Even though the little life growing within Monica was only about the size of a grape, we'd already started thinking of it as a member of the family. We'd talk to it, and had already picked out a name or two (Trinity being the favorite at the time, if it turned out to be a girl.) Most of the time we just called it "Sea Monkey" though.

Even though the prospect of having a child was rather daunting, I'd grown accustomed to thinking of myself as a father-to-be. I'd say things like, "This is the last time I celebrate Father's Day without being a father," or I'd look at a guy in the store, walking around with a baby in his arms and think to myself, "That's going to be me soon." Alas, it was not to be.

The fact that Monica got pregnant at all was a miracle in and of itself, so I'm just looking at this situation as a "test run", getting Monica's body ready to host a new life in the future. We know it's possible now, so we'll just have to try again. I mean, it only took us 7 years to get pregnant this time. How bad can it be? *sigh*

Anyway, there's a lot of lightning outside at the moment, and this laptop battery is about to die. Thanks to all of you who offered words of support and encouragement. It's been a rough past couple days, but it's thanks to friends and family members like you that's we've been able to work our way through this. Thank you once again, and please keep in touch. Peace.

Due Date Counter Added

Since they've officially placed Monica's due date around January 18th, 2010, I decided to add a simple counter to this blog, to track how long we have until the baby is born (provided of course that it isn't born early or late, you know how that sort of thing goes.)

Anyway, as we get more information (as in the case of the ultrasound pictures), I'll continue to add to this site and update it. Right now Monica is in a fair amount of pain off an on, and has been spending most of her time laying on the couch or in bed, per her doctor's instructions. She hopes to return to work on Monday, and they will be moving her to the call center, because she's also been told by her doctor that she needs to spend at least the next 2 weeks sitting down at work. So it won't be any more Pro Desk for her for the immediate future. At least HD is willing to work with her though. Some companies would probably just let you go.

Anyway, that's about it for now. I'm off to find out about dinner plans (apparently Clare's cooking for us or something.) Thanks for stopping by, and please continue to check this blog periodically for updates.

Have a great weekend. Peace.

Bad News, Great News & Photo Opportunities

Yesterday was a very trying day for us. Monica has been experiencing painful stomach cramps, along with other symptoms that led her doctor to believe she was having a miscarriage. They sent her back to St. Mary's hospital to get another ultrasound to confirm our worst fears.

Monica called me in tears, and as soon as I answered the phone, I knew what was wrong, although I didn't want to believe it was possible. I told her that I'd meet her at St. Mary's, and I rushed out of McDonald's, where I'd been grabbing a quick, sinful bite to eat, and headed over to St. Mary's as fast as possible. I beat her there, and had to wait for her arrival, all the while thinking about what was to come.

When Monica arrived, I accompanied her to the check-in/registration desk, and a nice gentleman attempted to sort out a scheduling issue. The doctor had told her to go to the hospital straight away, and had put her down for a 4:30 PM appointment, both verbally and on paper. The hospital computer, however, said that Monica's appointment was for today (6/12.) But after a few calls back and forth, and some more stressful moments for us (we thought we'd have to go home and come back the next day, without knowing exactly what was wrong with Monica), we were told that they'd called in a technician to perform the ultrasound at the previously mentioned time.

The lady who ended up doing the ultrasound has been the one to do all of Monica's ultrasounds so far, and she's very nice; we both like her. She was worried though, because she knew why we were there (to see if Monica HAD indeed had a miscarriage), and didn't want to be the one to confirm the bad news. She also didn't want to give us good news, only to have it turn bad. But she went ahead and performed the tests, and external and internal ultrasound, and lo and behold, there was the little Sea Monkey, still alive and kicking (metaphorically speaking anyway, at this point.) It's riding rather low in the womb, which is a bit of a concern, but Monica was still pregnant, and the baby's heart rate was about 168 beats per minute, right where it should be.

Needless to say, we were overjoyed! The lady informed me that things could still go south, but the fact that the baby was still visible, and had a strong heartbeat was and excellent sign!

Monica is still having sharp stabbing pains, and other continuing symptoms, and the chances of a miscarriage are still quite good, unfortunately, but the Sea Monkey is hanging in there! Monica is still on bed rest through the weekend, and when/if she returns to work on Monday, she was given a note by her doctor informing her bosses at Home Depot that she must sit down while she is on the job, for the next 2 weeks at least. That should be a challenge, given Monica's job! lol

Anyway, while Monica was getting dressed, the technician handed me the first ultrasound pictures that we have seen. I was surprised, because we hadn't been given any yet, due to the fact that most of the equipment they'd been doing the scans on didn't have the software to print out the images, or something like that. But she was like, "See, I promised you pictures after the next ultrasound!" It was exciting. :)

So here are the first images of our baby-to-be. The top image is actual size I believe, and the bottom image is enlarged 200%, or something like that. I have added some descriptions to the 2nd image, for clarification, since ultrasound pictures are kind of vague to start with. We're not out of the woods yet, as far as a potential miscarriage goes, but we're just happy to still have a healthy, growing baby. Please keep Monica and the baby in your prayers. That little one is going to need all the help it can get! Thank you.

Close Call

Monica had to go to the ER at St. Mary's again today. She's been having pain in her abdomen, and was experiencing other symptoms that are warning signs of potential problems during a pregnancy (I'm being vague for her privacy, and to spare everyone the details.)

Anyway, she tried to make an appointment at her doctor's office, but for some reason they wouldn't see her, and told her to go to the ER again. It's probably a good thing that they did, even though they didn't/couldn't do much at the ER, this early in the pregnancy, because she was apparently in danger of having a miscarriage, something every mother-to-be dreads, and one of Monica's biggest fears at the moment.

The ER doctor put her on bed rest for the next few days, instructing her to take it easy, keep her feet elevated, and basically just rest, and let her body recover. She was a lot closer to a serious problem than any of us realized!

On the plus side of things, the doctor informed her that she WAS still pregnant, and that everything seemed to be okay still, but that she was one of those people that have all sorts of weird (and potentially frightening) things happen to them during pregnancy. The baby is still where it needs to be though, and things are still on course. She's just going to have to take it easier from here on out.

So the crisis was averted this time, and now Monica will be spending the next few days at home relaxing. Something she doesn't get to do very often (and isn't all that great at, as she's always trying to find something that needs to be done!) But when it comes down to a choose between relaxing and getting some rest, and potentially losing her baby, a few enforced days off work sounds pretty good.

Please keep her and our little Sea Monkey in your prayers. Thank you.

Added Worry

Well, Monica should be arriving in Miami shortly, if she hasn't already (I'm still waiting for her to check in via phone.) She's spending a few days with Amy and Jason, and Kate and most of her family are there, and their dad and step-mom should be there too. Why am I not there also, you might ask? It's a long story...

Anyway, I always worry when Monica travels alone, and now that's she's pregnant, I worry even more, because I now have 2 lives to be concerned about.

**Monica JUST sent me a text message though, informing me that she's still on the plane, but that they've arrived safely in Miami. Thank God.**

Anyway, I worry enough about my family members as it is, and the addition of children only increases my level of concern. But it was always with OTHER PEOPLE'S children. Yes they are family, but you don't have quite the immediacy of concern when it's not your own flesh and blood. Monica and I never thought we'd have children of our own, unless we decided to adopt in the future. It just wasn't something that was in our cards, apparently. Until now that is.

Now we're faced with the daunting prospect of first-time parenthood, and like most couples awaiting the birth of their first child, our lives have been drastically and irreversibly altered. There are the usual worries and concerns that assault new parents-to-be: Are we going to be good parents? How are we going to afford this? What are we going to do with this little thing that is completely helpless and totally dependent on us for its very survival?

We just have to have Faith though. We've been given a miracle, and if the pregnancy was meant to be, then we're meant to be parents, and although we'll muddle through it like almost every other parent of a first born throughout history, we will find our way.

Monica has been sending me text messages from her phone as the plane has been taxiing on the runway, heading for the arrival gate. Apparently the Sea Monkey doesn't like flying too much, at the moment anyway. It sounds like Monica's having a rough time with an upset stomach. A small price to pay for the miracle that dwells within though. I'm just glad they arrived safely in Miami. Now I can stop worrying...at least for the next 5 minutes or so! *smile*

Rice, Rice, Baby

I was planning on listening to that song while I wrote this post, but it's late, and Monica's asleep, so I'll just have to play it in my head.

Monica went to the doctor today for an ultrasound, and fortunately I was able to get away from work a little early to join her. We got to see our "baby" for the first time today. I put baby in quotes, because right now it's apparently about the size of a grain of rice. But it's heart just started beating within the last day or so, and while the heart rate is somewhat slow at 120 bpm, they weren't worried too much because it was fast enough, and it will only get faster (as high as 160 bpm apparently.) And even though we were basically looking at some dots, blurs, and flickers in an overall blurry image, it was still cool to see life within the womb. It made things seem that much more "real."

The technician couldn't say much, and we'll have to wait until early next week to get the official word from Monica's doctor, but she (the technician) thought that Monica was about 6 or so weeks pregnant, because the baby was still in the "grain of rice" phase and hadn't entered into the "peanut" phase that occurs around 8 weeks or so. She said that the baby's heart might not have even started beating until today; it was that early.

Apparently she wasn't supposed to show or tell us anything (or even let me in the room), since we were in a satellite office of St. Mary's hospital, and not at Monica's actual doctor (thanks to our WONDERFUL insurance), but when she realized we had to be there for insurance purposes, she softened up a bit, and was able to show both of us what our little one looked like (insofar as a rice grain sized blur looks like much of anything on a computer screen.) It was still neat to see though.

We didn't get any fun pictures, for various reason, but the tech told us to insist that we actually go to St. Mary's hospital for the next ultrasound (since it's right next to where I work), and they would be able to give us some sonogram pictures to keep.

That's about it for now. I'd write more, but I'm really tired, and I can't think straight, so I'm going to wrap this up. I'll post more updates as they become available. Have a great Friday! Peace.

A Better Idea

Well, due to a scheduling SNAFU, Monica ended up being able to keep her first doctor's appointment today. The doctor said that she thinks Monica is about 10 - 11 weeks pregnant, which would make her due date somewhere around the winter solstice (December 21st), 3 days after my birthday. So maybe I'll end up sharing my birthday with our first born, but who knows.

On Thursday Monica will go for another ultrasound, which should give us a better idea of how far along the pregnancy has actually progressed, and hopefully narrow down the birth window a bit more. Beyond that, we don't know much else at the moment. Monica is stoked though, let me tell you! The doctor's visit today made everything seem more "real"; solidified the reality that we're going to have a baby! She was SO excited, she came home and passed out on the couch, after a dinner of leftovers from yesterday's cookout. She's been really tired lately, as her hormone levels are changing and her body is adjusting to it's new occupant, but she also left our house around 6 AM this morning, to drive to Duluth for Home Depot training (which it turned out she WASN'T schedule for), so she made that whole drive, and left the house that early for nothing. But, as previously mentioned, it enabled her to keep her doctor's appointment, so all's well that ends well.

I guess that's about it for now. I've been really sleepy myself lately, and have found myself in the bathroom more frequently than usual. It's one of the wonderful gifts I have...being extremely empathic to those I'm close to. I sometimes feel the things that are happening to them, like I was experiencing them personally. It's going to be a LONG pregnancy, full of potential nausea for both of us! But at least I can explain the cravings easily...does anyone ELSE want donuts??? *g*

Stay tuned. More information will be available as we find it out. Thanks for stopping by.